i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
