Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
