so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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