I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
