I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
