I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
