R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
