I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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