I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
