She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
