I hate your face
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize