I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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