look no pants
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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