I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Randomize
