everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
