Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
