Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Drunk is not a location!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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