Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
