It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
