i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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