I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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