just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
