3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
