I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
