i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drake has all the answers
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize