you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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