Need sex. Gaining weight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
