Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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