Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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