Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize