Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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