It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
