We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
