A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize