Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
