My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
