How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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