I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize