my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
