I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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