The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
