No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
