We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
