I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
