Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
