I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
