im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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