After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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