Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
