I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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