Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
