I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
