i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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