Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
