so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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