yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
