Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
