My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
