How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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