Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
