Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
