i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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