I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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