She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
